Lord of the Rings Humor

1. Offer him Visine at inappropriate moments.

2. Mock his choice in becoming an Eye. Wouldn't a Mouth or a Hand be easier?

3. Knock on bedroom doors around Mordor late at night and complain that you had a bad dream.

4. Train his armies to sing "The Ants Go Marching One By One."

5. During secret evil plotting meetings, raise your hand and ask to go to the bathroom in a whiny voice. Squirm a lot if he says no.

6. Tell Sauron "Wormtounge said you're looking fatter."

7. Tell Wormtounge "Sauron said you're looking fatter."

8. Then throw a party and force both to sit through it. Sitting next to each other.

9. Whenever possible, work a phrase about body parts in, such as "reach out your hand and take it." Then stare pointedly at him and apologize.

10. Convince him to engage in staring contests with you.

11. Chastise him for talking to people he doesn't know over the palantir. It could be dangerous!

12. When he tells you he's only been talking to Saruman, mock him on his choice of friends.

13. Politely wonder out loud how such a powerful guy like him was having such trouble catching "one of those adorable little hobbits."

14. Ask him his opinion on Legolas's outfit and then chatter on about how you'll buy him one just like it after he gets his body back.

15. "Did anyone ever ask you out on a date? Did you ever even GO on a date? Ever??"

16. Ask him if he ever thought of seeing a psychoanalyst.

17. Randomly set out an alert for the Nazgul to hurry back to Mordor. Watch in laughter as they and Sauron bewilderedly try to find out why they are here.

18. Say that you "thought he needed a visitor!"

19. Buy him a kitten. Act mortally offended when he doesn't want to pet it.

20. When he does decide to pet it, pull it away saying, "You can't! You'll give it third degree burns!"

21. Better yet, pull it away saying, "You can't! You don't have any hands! So THERE!"

22. Ask him if he flosses. Do so regularly.

23. During his speeches to his minions, loudly hum patriotic tunes in the background.

24. Make him watch the Godfather.

25. Make him watch the Princess Bride.

26. Tell him you already read the end of Lord of the Rings and “it may not turn out like you think...”

27. If ever there should arise a reason for him to say "Doom," you, in the background, make echoing noises ("Doom, doom, doom, doom...")

28. Redecorate Barad-dur. Include lots of pastel and potted plants.

29. If ever he reprimands anyone, shout at the person, "So, nyeah!" and stick your tongue out.

30. Get the Nazgul to play Go Fish with you every evening.

31. Place multiple spotlights around the top of Barad-dur and have them shine in all directions in a slight mockery of how his Eye sweeps around. When he confronts you about it, pout and say you were only trying to help, seeing as he only has one eye….

32. Buy him Mascara. Say that he may as well look pretty with what he has.

33. Cry out “Dun dun dun!” during any of his “evil moments.” Follow this with a wicked laugh. “MWAhahahaha!”

34. Read him bedtime stories.

35. Force him to come food shopping with you. Loudly ask him if he ran out of Flintstones Vitamins yet.

36. For Christmas, buy him under-roos, or rather ugly socks.

37. For his birthday, buy him a jewelry box, earrings, and a necklace to go in it.

38. Put a big emphasis on all the jewelry you buy him being silver. State all the time that “gold is sooo last season.”

39. Play Elton John CDs as loud as you can, especially at inopportune moments.

40. Make him read fanfics. Really bad ones.

41. Ask him continually if he wants to set up his own Lord of the Rings fan site.

42. Teach him swear words in foreign languages. If he actually uses them, scold him severely.

43. Sign him up for Cub Scouts.

44. Pat him on the head and offer him ice cream whenever the idea just hits you.

45. Make him watch reruns of Pinky and the Brain. Then continually ask him "So Brain, what are we doing tomorrow night?" Act upset when he doesn't respond correctly.

46. Read Cosmopolitan magazine during secret plotting meetings. When he tries to get your attention, look up bewilderedly and say, "Hmm?"

47. Get the Witch-king to read Cosmopolitan too.

48. Get him cheap plastic rings from the 50-cent gumball machines. Say, "See? This one is better! It has a pink jewel! You don't need that old thing."

49. Knit him sweaters. Really really horrible ones.

50. Sneak into the stables and braid bows into the manes of the Nazgul's horses.

Your AOL screen name is Elbereth.
You can pronounce Nirnaeth Arnoediad.
The opponents in your MS Hearts game are named Morgoth, Sauron and Ungoliant.
You have a decided opinion on the question of the two Glorfindels.
You understand #4.
Your thesis was entitled "On the Valar and their Treament of the Noldor"
When watching The Two Towers, you must fight the urge to scream, "THERE WERE NO ELVES, NEITHER FROM IMLADRIS NOR LÓRIEN, IN THE BATTLE OF THE HORNBURG!
But you mourn Haldir anyway.
It's not "hello", it's "Hail and well met."
You know the difference between Sindarin and Quenya.
You use Shire reckoning.
You can recite the names of all the Kings (and the four Ruling Queens) of Númenor.
You think Ar-Pharazon was a louse.
Your twin sons are named Elladan and Elrohir.
Your baseball bat had a name, too: Narsil. And when it broke and had to be taped up, you re-named it Anduril.
Finarfin is your role .
Given a map of Middle Earth, you can instantly locate Rivendell, Lórien, Minas Tirith, and Edoras.
Your vacation house is on your private island, which happens to be named Tol Eressea.
You can trace Eldarion's line all the way back to Thingol and Melian.
When life sucks, you move westward.
You know Gil-galad's real name.
You know who Nerwen is.
Spock is your favorite Star Trek chaacter.
Your idea for the Big Dig is to rebuild Boston on the plan of Gondolin.
TV just isn't the same as a palantír.
You have learnt to blow smoke rings.
You have a weed patch.
You own a shipbuilding company named Círdan's Crafts.
You know you're obsessed with LotR when...you no longer answer to your real name, but rather, you prefer to be called Elerial, daughter of Bruce, of the house of Smith.
You talk about nothing but LOTR. All the time.
You've read LOTR more than once, to the surprise and disgust of your peers. (Note: I think most LOTR fans have read LOTR several times... - Nevermore)
Your family (who don't like LOTR) know many of the lines to FOTR from walking past you watching it, or hearing you quote it.
Your favorite CD's are the LOTR soundtracks, even though you don't like classical music.
Your teachers even tell you you need to lighten up on LOTR.
When you're helping your little brother with his himework and it says "The Lord of the Rings" you want to frame that paper when he gets it back.
When that homework paper says "The Hobbit" on the other side you don't know which side to frame facing out and decide to rotate it every week or so.
When you can't find your LOTR CD (Heavan forbid) you flip out and start humming one of the songs to make yourself feel better.
If someone likes LOTR they DON'T talk to you, because they don't want a 3 hour lecture on how Tolkien, not Jackson, was the creator, and how Jackson majorly screwed some things up.
You have read/own 5 or more Tolkien books (counting LOTR as 1)
People are careful not to say LOTR 1, LOTR 2, and LOTR 3 around you, because you'll yell at them.
When someone says they don't like it you exclaim: "What?! How can you say that?!" and smack them.
When your "friend" says she's tired of hearing you talk about it you smack her and continue talking.
When people say you're obsessed you say: "And proud of it!" the way Frodo does and smack a mug down on a table.
The tiniest things remind you of LOTR, like the way the mirror you got for Christmas that has the lights that reflect all the way back makes your eyes look like Galadriel's.
Or the way some people have Hobbit-hair (which makes you wonder if they have hairy feet)
When you're watching TV and they even show a picture of something from LOTR for a nanosecond you can tell exactly where it came from, and what's going on, even if you only glance up to see it and there's no sound to it.
When you see that picture you turn the volume WAY up and pay close attention to that comercial from then on.
When you see a word that looks anything like something from LOTR you read it as that word, like when you see Fodor's Map of the Caribbean (?) you read it as Frodo's...
You spend your time copying poems from the books.
You have a portion of your bookshelf dedicated to Tolkien, but for some reason Tolkien books seem to be scattered all over your bedroom, and not one is in the Tolkien Shrine.

On the first day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, one ring to rule them all.
On the second day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the third day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the fourth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the fifth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the sixth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the seventh day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the eighth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor, and one ring to rule them all.
On the nineth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, nine Fellowship members, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the tenth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, ten of Gandalf's fireworks, nine Fellowship members, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the eleventh day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, eleven gems from Moria, ten of Gandalf's fireworks, nine Fellowship members, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor, and one ring to rule them all.
On the twelfth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, Twelve Elves of Lorien, eleven gems from Moria, ten of Gandalf's fireworks, nine Fellowship members, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.