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50 ways to annoy sauron... (and possibly get yourself killed!)
1. Offer him Visine at inappropriate moments.
2. Mock his choice in becoming an Eye. Wouldn't a Mouth or a Hand
3. Knock on bedroom doors around Mordor late at night and complain
that you had a bad dream.
4. Train his armies to sing "The Ants Go Marching One By One."
5. During secret evil plotting meetings, raise your hand and ask
to go to the bathroom in a whiny voice. Squirm a lot if he says no.
6. Tell Sauron "Wormtounge said you're looking fatter."
7. Tell Wormtounge "Sauron said you're looking fatter."
8. Then throw a party and force both to sit through it. Sitting
next to each other.
9. Whenever possible, work a phrase about body parts in, such
as "reach out your hand and take it." Then stare pointedly at him and apologize.
10. Convince him to engage in staring contests with you.
11. Chastise him for talking to people he doesn't know over the
palantir. It could be dangerous!
12. When he tells you he's only been talking to Saruman, mock
him on his choice of friends.
13. Politely wonder out loud how such a powerful guy like him
was having such trouble catching "one of those adorable little hobbits."
14. Ask him his opinion on Legolas's outfit and then chatter on
about how you'll buy him one just like it after he gets his body back.
15. "Did anyone ever ask you out on a date? Did you ever even
GO on a date? Ever??"
16. Ask him if he ever thought of seeing a psychoanalyst.
17. Randomly set out an alert for the Nazgul to hurry back to
Mordor. Watch in laughter as they and Sauron bewilderedly try to find out why they are here.
18. Say that you "thought he needed a visitor!"
19. Buy him a kitten. Act mortally offended when he doesn't want
to pet it.
20. When he does decide to pet it, pull it away saying, "You can't!
You'll give it third degree burns!"
21. Better yet, pull it away saying, "You can't! You don't have
any hands! So THERE!"
22. Ask him if he flosses. Do so regularly.
23. During his speeches to his minions, loudly hum patriotic tunes
in the background.
24. Make him watch the Godfather.
25. Make him watch the Princess Bride.
26. Tell him you already read the end of Lord of the Rings and
“it may not turn out like you think...”
27. If ever there should arise a reason for him to say "Doom,"
you, in the background, make echoing noises ("Doom, doom, doom, doom...")
28. Redecorate Barad-dur. Include lots of pastel and potted plants.
29. If ever he reprimands anyone, shout at the person, "So, nyeah!"
and stick your tongue out.
30. Get the Nazgul to play Go Fish with you every evening.
31. Place multiple spotlights around the top of Barad-dur and
have them shine in all directions in a slight mockery of how his Eye sweeps around. When he confronts you about it, pout and
say you were only trying to help, seeing as he only has one eye….
32. Buy him Mascara. Say that he may as well look pretty with
what he has.
33. Cry out “Dun dun dun!” during any of his “evil
moments.” Follow this with a wicked laugh. “MWAhahahaha!”
34. Read him bedtime stories.
35. Force him to come food shopping with you. Loudly ask him if
he ran out of Flintstones Vitamins yet.
36. For Christmas, buy him under-roos, or rather ugly socks.
37. For his birthday, buy him a jewelry box, earrings, and a necklace
to go in it.
38. Put a big emphasis on all the jewelry you buy him being silver.
State all the time that “gold is sooo last season.”
39. Play Elton John CDs as loud as you can, especially at inopportune
40. Make him read fanfics. Really bad ones.
41. Ask him continually if he wants to set up his own Lord of
the Rings fan site.
42. Teach him swear words in foreign languages. If he actually
uses them, scold him severely.
43. Sign him up for Cub Scouts.
44. Pat him on the head and offer him ice cream whenever the idea
just hits you.
45. Make him watch reruns of Pinky and the Brain. Then continually
ask him "So Brain, what are we doing tomorrow night?" Act upset when he doesn't respond correctly.
46. Read Cosmopolitan magazine during secret plotting meetings.
When he tries to get your attention, look up bewilderedly and say, "Hmm?"
47. Get the Witch-king to read Cosmopolitan too.
48. Get him cheap plastic rings from the 50-cent gumball machines.
Say, "See? This one is better! It has a pink jewel! You don't need that old thing."
49. Knit him sweaters. Really really horrible ones.
50. Sneak into the stables and braid bows into the manes of the
What NOT to do at the ROTK premiere
Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly,
"Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
Block the entrance to the theater while screaming:
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
At some point during the movie, stand up and shout:
"I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip
every time someone says: "The Ring."
Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went
Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the
top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to
Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end,
bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you
on the back of the neck.
Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of
Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator"
sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins.
Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what
I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's
Start an Orc sing-a-long.
Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and
wander around looking terribly confused.
Remove the top off your drink, then proceed to light
the straw on fire and tell people in the seats around you about a great battle that took place in your cup long ago.
When they go in the paths of the , wait for tense
moment and shout, "I see people!"
Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum,
Dobby and Yoda would be like.
Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater
during the Shelob scene.
Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor
When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really
let herself go!"
50 ways to tell of you are OBSESSED with LOTR
- Your AOL screen name is Elbereth.
- You can pronounce Nirnaeth Arnoediad.
- The opponents in your MS Hearts game are named Morgoth, Sauron
- You have a decided opinion on the question of the two Glorfindels.
- You understand #4.
- Your thesis was entitled "On the Valar and their Treament of the
- When watching The Two Towers, you must fight the urge to scream,
"THERE WERE NO ELVES, NEITHER FROM IMLADRIS NOR LÓRIEN, IN THE BATTLE OF THE HORNBURG!
- But you mourn Haldir anyway.
- It's not "hello", it's "Hail and well met."
- You know the difference between Sindarin and Quenya.
- You use Shire reckoning.
- You can recite the names of all the Kings (and the four Ruling
Queens) of Númenor.
- You think Ar-Pharazon was a louse.
- Your twin sons are named Elladan and Elrohir.
- Your baseball bat had a name, too: Narsil. And when it broke and
had to be taped up, you re-named it Anduril.
- Finarfin is your role .
- Given a map of Middle Earth, you can instantly locate Rivendell,
Lórien, Minas Tirith, and Edoras.
- Your vacation house is on your private island, which happens to
be named Tol Eressea.
- You can trace Eldarion's line all the way back to Thingol
- When life sucks, you move westward.
- You know Gil-galad's real name.
- You know who Nerwen is.
- Spock is your favorite Star Trek chaacter.
- Your idea for the Big Dig is to rebuild Boston on the plan of
- TV just isn't the same as a palantír.
- You have learnt to blow smoke rings.
- You have a weed patch.
- You own a shipbuilding company named Círdan's Crafts.
- You know you're obsessed with LotR when...you no longer answer
to your real name, but rather, you prefer to be called Elerial, daughter of Bruce, of the house of Smith.
- You talk about nothing but LOTR. All the time.
- You've read LOTR more than once, to the surprise and disgust of
your peers. (Note: I think most LOTR fans have read LOTR several times... - Nevermore)
- Your family (who don't like LOTR) know many of the lines to FOTR
from walking past you watching it, or hearing you quote it.
- Your favorite CD's are the LOTR soundtracks, even though you don't
like classical music.
- Your teachers even tell you you need to lighten up on LOTR.
- When you're helping your little brother with his himework and
it says "The Lord of the Rings" you want to frame that paper when he gets it back.
- When that homework paper says "The Hobbit" on the other side you
don't know which side to frame facing out and decide to rotate it every week or so.
- When you can't find your LOTR CD (Heavan forbid) you flip out
and start humming one of the songs to make yourself feel better.
- If someone likes LOTR they DON'T talk to you, because they don't
want a 3 hour lecture on how Tolkien, not Jackson, was the creator, and how Jackson majorly screwed some things up.
- You have read/own 5 or more Tolkien books (counting LOTR as 1)
- People are careful not to say LOTR 1, LOTR 2, and LOTR 3 around
you, because you'll yell at them.
- When someone says they don't like it you exclaim: "What?! How
can you say that?!" and smack them.
- When your "friend" says she's tired of hearing you talk about
it you smack her and continue talking.
- When people say you're obsessed you say: "And proud of it!" the
way Frodo does and smack a mug down on a table.
- The tiniest things remind you of LOTR, like the way the mirror
you got for Christmas that has the lights that reflect all the way back makes your eyes look like Galadriel's.
- Or the way some people have Hobbit-hair (which makes you wonder
if they have hairy feet)
- When you're watching TV and they even show a picture of something
from LOTR for a nanosecond you can tell exactly where it came from, and what's going on, even if you only glance up to see
it and there's no sound to it.
- When you see that picture you turn the volume WAY up and pay close
attention to that comercial from then on.
- When you see a word that looks anything like something from LOTR
you read it as that word, like when you see Fodor's Map of the Caribbean (?) you read it as Frodo's...
- You spend your time copying poems from the books.
- You have a portion of your bookshelf dedicated to Tolkien, but
for some reason Tolkien books seem to be scattered all over your bedroom, and not one is in the Tolkien Shrine.
12 Days of Christmas LOTR Style
On the first day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, one ring to rule them all.
On the second day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the third day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the fourth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring
to rule them all.
On the fifth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons
of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the sixth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas
bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the seventh day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little
hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the eighth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead
Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor, and one ring to rule them all.
On the nineth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, nine Fellowship members, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six
smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
On the tenth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, ten of Gandalf's fireworks, nine Fellowship members, eight talking trees,
seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and
one ring to rule them all.
On the eleventh day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, eleven gems from Moria, ten of Gandalf's fireworks, nine Fellowship
members, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits, three lembas
bread, two sons of Gondor, and one ring to rule them all.
On the twelfth day of Christmas a wizard gave to me, Twelve Elves of Lorien, eleven gems from Moria, ten of Gandalf's fireworks,
nine Fellowship members, eight talking trees, seven men of Rohan, six smelly orcs, five undead Wraiths, four little hobbits,
three lembas bread, two sons of Gondor and one ring to rule them all.
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